liquitexart

i hate life, the end.

my brother is going to be staying with us until the fifteenth. he was supposed to be gone for the fifteenth of this month, but he ignored that and used the confusion and stress that my mom was going back to france to prolonge his stay until the thirty-first. which is is tomorrow.
and earlier today i learned that my father said it was alright if he stayed until the apartment he's found is free to move into, which would be the fifteenth of november. which is total bullshit and if my mom was here, this would not be happening. [don't i sound like a whiny teenager]
i cannot, cannot, handle him anymore. he's overstayed his welcome.
we try to be nice and offer him a bed and buy him things and try to accommodate him as much as we can, considering we live in an apartment and he sleeps in the living room. but just. arghhh.
i facking pity the person that falls in love with him and has to live with him, serious-facking-ly. pity.
he does not clean after himself, does not help or offer to help with anything. whether it's cleaning the dishes, clearing the table, watering the facking plants, doing his own facking laundry, vacuuming. anything, really.
it's just awful, really really awful.
i understand that he's family and that he needed someplace to stay. but fack, be polite. it's not your facking house.
he's a rude idiot who needs to get his head bashed into the wall a few times. maybe that'd help set him straight. jeez. 
 
i need to vent some way or another or i'm going to explode.

blah.

so. i had two appointments yesterday, one with the shrink, the other with my family doctor [a 'check up']. both made me break down. it was pretty awful. i felt drained and vulnerable by the end of it all. and i have to do it all over again in two weeks. awesome.
the pills i have to take are killing me. well not, because well. but, seriously. the side effects are not the best ones. ever. and it's supposed to get worse before it gets better. again, awesome.
i decided to start my brother's painting today. he wants a dark blue city with a red fish. ok. easy peasy. it somehow ended all green with a lot of foliage and a backdrop of a faded green city with white birds flying away. i like it. a lot. oops. which is why i now have to buy another canvas and make that one my brother's. oh well. inspiration and all that. 
my mind's a mess and my thoughts have gone astray, so it's difficult to even remember something or stay on one thought too long. feels like they're out of reach. annoying pieces of crap.
my parents mom still thinks i need supervision. now that's annoying. she almost forced me to go eat out tonight because she didn't want me to be alone at home. gee, thanks for the trust mom. i mean, i understand, but still. have a little faith here. good thing my sister was over, otherwise ergh. i didn't tell she was leaving an hour later, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her. just like my cutting again. just because i'm not cutting my arm doesn't mean i'm not cutting. ha. ha.
my sister was over looking at tattoos on the internet. well actually just one picture that she wants to get a tattoo of. karma in a circle. it looks nice. not for me though. not my style. she did make me want to get another one. again. so i'll most probably be going with her to get mine done. and since there's so many that i'd like, i was mulling over them earlier [and now]. still stuck. i need to figure which one i want. they're all small [for me at least]. so.

so. 
today was alright. meaning work didn't kill me and my mood was alright. not happy but not sad either. today was the start of my medication for my depression. the shrink also gave me a drug for my panic attacks and when i feel like cutting. ie: i apparently have anxiety disorder. awesome.
yesterday was the 'first appointment with the shrink' day. it was, interesting. i mean she almost made me cry, again. she also thinks that my depression is due to a chemical imbalance [neurotransmitters or whatnot] in my brain and not because of trauma [since i've none and because of all the response i gave to her questions].
the hospital called today and gave me the time and day for my appointment with the neurologist for my headaches and migraines.

that's basically it. it seems i've lost my train of thought...

today i realized -

that no matter what, my family's fucking awesome and i'm lucky to have them.

that pasta is the best food ever and that i can live off of it forever. with candy.

that happiness is not bestowed on people, you have to create your own with what you have.

that my sister's kitties are awesomely weird and that i need to get used to them licking my fingers [or arm or face] when they want something [pet pet pet]. even if it is in the middle of the night. sharing an apartment with your sister and her 'babies' takes some time to adjust to. in a good way.

that i may be spending too much time on the computer, and that i really don't care. not too sure though.

that i've posted this both in my journal and in todayirealized